When I got older, I became more social. This led to a lot of eating out, drinking alcohol, poor sleep habits among other things. Slowly, but surely, I went from lean and lanky to what some people called "thick". Then, at my heaviest weight I had ever been (mid 180's), BAM! I got pregnant. I didn't really gain much weight until the last trimester. I broke 200 lbs at 7 mos. By the time I delivered, I was in the 240's. Whew! It was crazy because I saw the scale, but I didn't really notice how big I had gotten until my son was maybe 2 weeks old. Someone said to me, "Wow! The swelling in your face has really gone down!" I was like, uh-uh, LIES! What swelling?! This person did not realize that she struck an old nerve, and from there I became ultra self conscious.
Like some of you that may be struggling with your weight, I just pretty much laid down and surrendered to being fat. I was "too" depressed, tired, stressed, lazy, hopeless to do anything about it except buy bigger clothes. But then, I started to notice a few things that were not happening before I gained all that weight. I would get winded too easily walking up to my second floor apartment. The smallest amount of movement would cause me to sweat profusely. I was having aches and pains that I felt probably were a little premature for my age. But most of all, I became soooo sensitive to every look, comment, or (mis)perceived thought anyone had about how I looked. Very self conscious, very insecure. Even though my other half loved every extra pound of fat, I just was not happy with how I looked.
Then one night, I was lying in bed awake. I was feeling really low and beating myself up as I tend to do. I began to cry, cries turned into sobs. Even though I had started a beautiful family and had the love of my life, I just felt so unworthy. So ugly. I thought about how the weight was causing me to hide and sink further into isolation. I thought about health issues and death. Oh yes, I went there. I killed myself in my spiraling race of negative thoughts. And then, as I am crying, I started to pray. I prayed for weight loss, health, and patience. And just like *snap* it was almost like I started melting immediately. But of course, it was a process. It was work. Here's what I did to lose weight:
Today, I am actually in the process of trying to put on some healthy weight. At 155 lbs, I now exercise regularly, and I eat 3-5 times a day. Thirty with 2 kids, and I am almost in the best shape of my life. I still struggle with body image issues, but my health is most important. I dedicate this post to everyone who has asked me how I did it. I changed my lifestyle. I changed my perspective. And my metabolism was probably super high from all the anxiety. But listen, if you or anyone you know is experiencing depression of any kind, please know that depression kills. It really does. Please get help. Notice, I said "help", not meds. Not even necessarily a doctor. Just help. Someone out there loves you enough to help you through it. You can do it! Lose the weight, get your body and mind healthy, and enjoy your life.